Wednesday, May 16, 2012

**** Disclaimer... English and writing were my WORST subjects even through college! I am NOT a writer so please read this with a tad of Mercy****

I literally have wanted to blog for about the last 10 weeks,  but find myself unable to pull the right words together that don't sound like whining gibberish from the Debbie Downer Show. This came out like that anyway.

I guess I can start with a little history After totaling  Chris' car with Malia in the back seat last November in an undiagnosed blackout, changes have unfolded that are so bizarre and unbelievable that even the closest of friends have a hard time believing...

We made it through the Holidays relatively unscathed and Chris and I were so blessed to enjoy our 1st week long vacation together since our honeymoon almost 14 years ago! It was a-maz-za-zing! Thanks to my forever giving family the kids were more excited about us going away than the other way around :0 what the hell? There was nothing like getting priceless pictures via email of my 12 year old being tied to my sisters porch deck with DUCK TAPE, by my niece... Emily. All while I read a book on my private deck in the Mexican riviera, Priceless.

March was shitty I'm not going to lie. I can sprinkle some sugar on it for you but regardless of seasonings... it was still just bull shit. March 6th I suffered a Grand Mal Seizure while sitting at my desk at work. I awoke (very similarly) the way I had back in November after the accident.

Scared... Confused... Curious... Wondering to myself...
Where am I?
 Who the F*** are you? and
Why are you standing over me asking me if I know what day it IS?!
My mind screamed OF COURSE I KNOW!... But words would not form :(
Wait! Wait! I'm yelling in my head 
What day is it?
Why can't I tell the Really Hot looking Firefighter my name or what city I'm in?!
What's going On here?!
 I sheepishly think to myself,  Self, Compose yourself and just pretend like you know exactly who you are, where you are and just crack a lame joke... I do.

A few short days later I was informed by my personal physician that I would not be legal to drive any longer till getting an authorization of full recovery from a neurologist and that would more than likely be after months of testing... Depression wasn't from the loss of driving privileges but from my loss of Independence. I have way too much going on to have this simple right stripped from me. :( The What-ifs were entirely too much to bear. How will I get to work? Get groceries? Pick up prescriptions? Get the kids if their sick? Drop off my Property taxes before its late? At the time I was really thinking logistics. But then I realized that there was NO prepping myself for this, it just got so much worse. I/We then realized we have been so blessed with a car and money to pay insurance & good health to drive. I WILL NEVER take my driving privileges for granted again. I see the neurologist a week from tomorrow for what I am hoping will be a clean bill of health and am prayerfully anticipating a letter from my Doctor to the DMV post dated for June 6th to go retrieve my INDEPENDANCE! I'll keep you posted.

The only way that I have been able to keep myself somewhat above water without my license is the countless trips my parents and sister have made to drop everything and drive up here to rescue JT from a party or get Clay to a game, sometimes getting me to a required MRI or EEG. Chris has been fantastic but is really only one man (Side Note... He always goes yelling around the house: "Johnny Moxon's Just ONE MAN!!!" thats a line from of course a football movie), in the midst of this trial... His parents have both been told that they don't have much time to live which more often lately has left the kids and I stranded because of his last minute trips to the Bay Area :(. Then a neighbor or friend will take me to meet my boss so I can Humbly except a ride downtown. My dearest of friends pinch hits and takes double and triple her shifts of carpool to ease our stress (I love you Lisa). I found endless support from people that I could have never imagined.
To you countless saviors, I am humbled, grateful and indebted. Thank you.

I am looking forward to getting my license back very soon as I said before. Its only been 10 weeks and 2 days without my licence but it feels more like 72 DAYS!!!!!! I enjoy telling people that I hustle for rides and I love the  looks on their faces when I say I hitchhiked the kids to the grocery store for a pack of smokes... is worth every look! But really I've never done that!... or have I?

In the last few weeks (because we clearly haven't had enough). Malia is reaching a point in her development where more educable tests can be done to help us get an idea of what kind of picture we are looking at for her future. The results are in and the meeting to discuss some of our future concerns, goals and fears is today at 3:30. Just 3 short hours away.
Tear's  have flowed from my eyes like broken sprinklers that have no OFF buttons.
And if you know me at all, I do NOT like to cry.

19 hours later...

The meeting was as we suspected based on the reports sent to us over the weekend which included all of the assessments and diagnosis'. All of the Intros to each of the 6 specialist reports opened the same. Malia is a beautiful child who fills the room with her contagious smile.
Her behavior is almost always on task and not only is she positively influenced by peers, she is also negatively influenced by peers. Duh! More recently Justin decide to Pronounce his new "Man-Hood" by Singing "I'm Sexy... and I know It..." 16-22 times a day while being shirtless with his boxers sticking out the top of his shorts (although the later is not new) SHE TOO has decided that she is sexy and she knows it :0 uuugggg I could just kill that boy.

Bottom Line is that MG's Official Diagnosis went from Global Developmental delays to "Intellectually Disabled" which is the new PC term for "Mentally Retarded" Like I said... we have assumed this for some time... But it's now written on paper and the blow to my heart is really something I have a hard time harnessing and hiding. This "LABEL" is tragic but not crippling. As Clay tells me. "Mom Malia is just... Well you know mom... she's just Malia... that's all!" Oh how I love his innocence yet he's right! that's it! SHE isn't Malia Diane Thomas ID. Shes just MG!  I literally have to remind myself of this daily. Chris struggles less with this than I do. I wanted to be Mother of the bride and to be in the delivery room when my daughter had her 1st baby, and non of this will happen.

I trust my Lord to get me through this because HIS love is forever lasting. Do I wish I had less of a potty mouth?  Yes... But he still loves me... Do I wish I wasn't such a smart ass that writes crazy letters back to the Fire Department? Yes... (See my recent FB post 5/14 for that story) But HE still loves me. I will have to give my precious MG to him daily if not hourly because I trust Him for her protection and my strength to ENDURE this trial for years to come. My friend Jason recently reminded me that I didn't have a tattoo of "ENDURE" put on my wrist 4 years ago by accident :) So yes Tiny Tim... This too shall Pass!

Lastly, I stopped drinking almost 18 months ago, the Lord gave me a really bad premonition of things to come if I kept turning to chardonnay and Sangria to calm my nerves after a long day of trials and earthquakes with Malia... In all honesty... It was becoming a problem for me. Most of you don't know that. But it was important for me to share because along with portion control and Gummy Bears I really feel that cutting out alcohol also contributed to my 60+ pounds of weight loss. Sometimes when I didn't add that last part I didn't always feel I was being totally honest.

I am just me,  I have no excuses when I go off in a bout of turrets at the CCS School mom in the minivan that cuts me off. Or when the lady in Starbucks brags to her so called friend about the one night stand she just had, I lack personal control and before I know it I hear myself saying, "UM YA are you aware that you just informed the entire shop that your a sleazy whore or are you really just that stupid?" YES, I still have lots to learn, I see myself as a canvas filled with lots of colors all smeared together and with every trial a picture begins to emerge and someday...

I might just like the picture I see...

Blessing and thanks for reading!


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Other Shoe.... Just Dropped

As I journal I can definitely think of better times...
I'm not complaining, I like to call it actively venting with a side of sarcasm.
I recently went back to work in the name of finding "My Independence" "Contributing to the family" "Using the Psychology degree that took me 7 very exciting years  to achieve, (especially the year studying abroad, 'Mas Cervese Por Favor')" "Doing something for Myself"... All of these things crossed my mind as I actively prayed for 9 months for the Lord to bring along just the right job. Don't get me wrong, its flexible and I have enjoyed it, then....
IT HAPPENED it was like an Epiphany of gargantuan proportions!
Ready for it?
I REALIZED I'm an opinionated hard ass that would prefer to do things my way! I know right? Your probably as shocked as I was. This experience is ongoing.
I was "blessed" with a co-worker that hails from the streets, she's done some hard time too (She grew up in Stockton). She too is of a Latin decent and I say that because my genealogy recently proved that I'm not even MEXICAN which disappointed my friend who loves to crack Mexican jokes (Just doesn't have the same effect now). Anywhootle back on point. "Sam" and I both know what's right and whats left and yet we are constantly heading in different directions! So Girlfriend (And by that I mean Co-Worker "Sam") had the gall to use sarcasm on me!!! Excuse me....???? As I look behind me, cause I know shes not talking to me! SHE WAS! SHE WAS TALKING TO ME! I looked at her, the stare down ensued and then it happened...The Moment of all moments... the big enchilada... I tell her to "get the F*$% out of my office!" We both nervously laugh and won't speak the rest of the day....
I SO REGRET THIS... I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF :( But I'D HAD IT! Months now I have taken her sarcastic tone! How dare she? I guess a little look in the mirror would have helped. Lesson Learned and apologies given.

Regardless of this situation I still feel like I was suppose to work, I mean don't get me wrong, there are pros and definitely cons. The pros are that I very much feel like I am contributing to our finances especially in these tight times and I get to talk to people that don't Soil themselves (That I Know of), while I'm talking to them. I Also enjoy scaring the pee out of men while walking into their restroom by mistake (OK maybe that's a con, gross!). The Cons? Its about 45minutes to an hour from home in traffic. THIS becomes a huge problem when my daughters school calls for me to come get her. The Voicemail that I collected at 2:23pm PST was as follows: "Mrs Thomas this is Janet the Special Ed Teacher at Malia's School! ( I hear rage and Panic in her voice, this is NOT comforting) Do to her Self-Degrading, Colossal Screaming And Shoe Throwing all in the last 30 minutes of school, we are reluctant to put her on the bus! Please return this call... NOW!" Now I have to admit my feelings and thoughts jumped from my inner conscious "Self Degrading" made me more nervous than anything else she said. Did she pee herself? Throw Feces with the shoes? I want to hold her and scold her at the same time. Asking aloud in my car, "God really? Seriously?" Against their better judgment put her on the bus and she did remarkably horrible!

I know deep in my heart that she will never be an average kid this... hurts my heart so much that I feel only a heart transplant will subside the ache I feel. Why Lord? why cant my baby just act like Sarah or Morgan? Why is she on the "Special Needs" Cheer Squad? I secretly fight back stinging tears as she performs because I so desperately want her to fit in with Missy and Alyssa. Well in all realness I know that the Lord has hand picked Chris and I to care for His child while she's here on earth, but why???

Most of you know our history, I have yet to give our family testimony without having everyone in the room in tears. Our years have been long and trying but in a lot of ways I feel like we're on the flip side, at least I thought we were until today...

Who am I kidding? LOL Our lives will be on a constant adventure of "Flip-Sides" :)  I can't complain. I have a loving husband who dotes on me. A 12 year old son that has noticed some recent life changes that Ive made and will NOT ever go to bed without a kiss on the lips (please don't tell him I wrote that) and is always telling me how proud of me that he is, HE is proud of ME! I have an Outgoing 10 1/2 year old that has such a desire to please and who won't lay his head on his pillow at night till we pray as a family... And then there's MG, as we affectionately call her. Smiling and (Usually) ready to please. Not too bad right?

Malia is a true gift! Days like this with a co-worker and "Issues" with Malia at school will continue...

In the END I don't regret much and what I regret I will make right. That's all I can do till the next SHOE DROPS...

Thanks for reading.