Monday, December 21, 2015
Five years ago today I woke up feeling riddled with guilt, shame, defeat and self demoralization.
The memories are foggy. We were packing to leave for Morgan Hill to celebrate Christmas 2010 with our families in the bay. I remember being able to cut the tension between Chris and I with a dull knife. The disappointment in his eyes are forever seared in my memory, I'll never forget how defeated his eyes were, red and puffy, I had actually broken his heart. We finished packing the car in silence as the 3 kids (obliviously) ran around talking about not having school, maybe some dirt bike riding with grandpa, or getting money secretly handed to them from Nana and Papa (without us noticing of course).
On that day December 21st 2010, I had woken from an alcoholic bender. I quietly cried for the 3 hour drive, asking God "why?" "why me?" "why us?".
The disease welling inside of me started to really take its toll and have me instead of me having it in the Spring of 2010. There is no discernible moment. No DUI. No arrest. No loss of job. No divorce. No death. So why? The truth is... my name is Yvonne and I am an alcoholic. I have a predisposition to carry the disease of alcoholism. And today December 21st 2015 I have been sober from alcohol for 5 years.
My journey IS exciting and I still continue to walk this adventure... "One day at a time".
I want today, with this blog, to show that the stereotypes in my head of what an alcoholic looked like, acted like, lived, drove and worked are way different than what I thought. I often now (as some know) share my story and my journey with others. In the beginning of my journey when asked to speak publicly, I would say "no thank you" as there was no jail time, loss of family, nothing extraordinary about my story for people to relate to. That was my ego telling me that I wasn't good enough to help others. My ego was wrong.
The hope in my transparency today is that I may help someone that is in a similar situation. For me, the stress and pressure I put on MYSELF of being a mom to Malia (a special needs child), 2 beautiful boys, a supporting husband, a sister, daughter and friend took me from having a bottle of wine every 2 weeks, to a glass of wine a night to hiding vodka in poweraid bottles throughout the house. Alcoholism is a disease that strikes fast and hard. I feel so incredibly blessed to have gotten the help that I needed quickly.
As most know, our family has struggled with numerous health issues, hospitalizations, and daily struggles. The difference now is that I am emotionally and mentally available to take on what ever is thrown at me! LOL Getting sober didn't mean that all my stress would go away or Malia would be healed or that Justin and Clay would finally listen the first time I asked them to do something (lets not get crazy now), It meant that I can go to my "Higher Power" who is different for some but to me is Jesus Christ. He died for me! Wha?! I know right but he DIED so I can go to him throughout my day and lay my struggle, insecurity, stress, shame, guilt... at HIS feet and press restart. I AM BLESSED!
It is so easy... Why I don't do that all day every day? I guess is what makes me human :).
I know there is risk in pressing "PUBLISH" on this blog.
It opens my choices and decisions up for scrutiny.
There will be some question and doubt about my past.
It is even possible for me to lose friends that have their own insecurities about sobriety.
To PUBLISH or NOT..
Guess this is your answer.
Thank you for reading!
PS I stay sober for me... But these are good reason's too :)