As I journal I can definitely think of better times...
I'm not complaining, I like to call it actively venting with a side of sarcasm.
I recently went back to work in the name of finding "My Independence" "Contributing to the family" "Using the Psychology degree that took me 7 very exciting years to achieve, (especially the year studying abroad, 'Mas Cervese Por Favor')" "Doing something for Myself"... All of these things crossed my mind as I actively prayed for 9 months for the Lord to bring along just the right job. Don't get me wrong, its flexible and I have enjoyed it, then....
IT HAPPENED it was like an Epiphany of gargantuan proportions!
Ready for it?
I REALIZED I'm an opinionated hard ass that would prefer to do things my way! I know right? Your probably as shocked as I was. This experience is ongoing.
I was "blessed" with a co-worker that hails from the streets, she's done some hard time too (She grew up in Stockton). She too is of a Latin decent and I say that because my genealogy recently proved that I'm not even MEXICAN which disappointed my friend who loves to crack Mexican jokes (Just doesn't have the same effect now). Anywhootle back on point. "Sam" and I both know what's right and whats left and yet we are constantly heading in different directions! So Girlfriend (And by that I mean Co-Worker "Sam") had the gall to use sarcasm on me!!! Excuse me....???? As I look behind me, cause I know shes not talking to me! SHE WAS! SHE WAS TALKING TO ME! I looked at her, the stare down ensued and then it happened...The Moment of all moments... the big enchilada... I tell her to "get the F*$% out of my office!" We both nervously laugh and won't speak the rest of the day....
I SO REGRET THIS... I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF :( But I'D HAD IT! Months now I have taken her sarcastic tone! How dare she? I guess a little look in the mirror would have helped. Lesson Learned and apologies given.
Regardless of this situation I still feel like I was suppose to work, I mean don't get me wrong, there are pros and definitely cons. The pros are that I very much feel like I am contributing to our finances especially in these tight times and I get to talk to people that don't Soil themselves (That I Know of), while I'm talking to them. I Also enjoy scaring the pee out of men while walking into their restroom by mistake (OK maybe that's a con, gross!). The Cons? Its about 45minutes to an hour from home in traffic. THIS becomes a huge problem when my daughters school calls for me to come get her. The Voicemail that I collected at 2:23pm PST was as follows: "Mrs Thomas this is Janet the Special Ed Teacher at Malia's School! ( I hear rage and Panic in her voice, this is NOT comforting) Do to her Self-Degrading, Colossal Screaming And Shoe Throwing all in the last 30 minutes of school, we are reluctant to put her on the bus! Please return this call... NOW!" Now I have to admit my feelings and thoughts jumped from my inner conscious "Self Degrading" made me more nervous than anything else she said. Did she pee herself? Throw Feces with the shoes? I want to hold her and scold her at the same time. Asking aloud in my car, "God really? Seriously?" Against their better judgment put her on the bus and she did remarkably horrible!
I know deep in my heart that she will never be an average kid this... hurts my heart so much that I feel only a heart transplant will subside the ache I feel. Why Lord? why cant my baby just act like Sarah or Morgan? Why is she on the "Special Needs" Cheer Squad? I secretly fight back stinging tears as she performs because I so desperately want her to fit in with Missy and Alyssa. Well in all realness I know that the Lord has hand picked Chris and I to care for His child while she's here on earth, but why???
Most of you know our history, I have yet to give our family testimony without having everyone in the room in tears. Our years have been long and trying but in a lot of ways I feel like we're on the flip side, at least I thought we were until today...
Who am I kidding? LOL Our lives will be on a constant adventure of "Flip-Sides" :) I can't complain. I have a loving husband who dotes on me. A 12 year old son that has noticed some recent life changes that Ive made and will NOT ever go to bed without a kiss on the lips (please don't tell him I wrote that) and is always telling me how proud of me that he is, HE is proud of ME! I have an Outgoing 10 1/2 year old that has such a desire to please and who won't lay his head on his pillow at night till we pray as a family... And then there's MG, as we affectionately call her. Smiling and (Usually) ready to please. Not too bad right?
Malia is a true gift! Days like this with a co-worker and "Issues" with Malia at school will continue...
In the END I don't regret much and what I regret I will make right. That's all I can do till the next SHOE DROPS...
Thanks for reading.
XOXO
